Unhurried Joy: Embrace Life with Less

Embrace Life with Less

An Unexpected Lesson in Self Care

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Self Care Version 2

Sometimes important life lessons come from unexpected events…

This past fall, I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. Despite the obvious grief and sadness that came with this event, there were many things I learned that helped propel me forward in the weeks and months following.

I was pregnant only 8 weeks before I knew I would eventually miscarry. However, during those short 8 weeks, I took better care of myself than I had at any other time in my life. I put my own care first, because that was the only way to put the care of the little life growing inside of me first. Our lives were intertwined. I had to take care of myself to take care of this newly forming life and so I did – no questions asked. Suddenly I justified changes I otherwise neglected, put off to another day or rationalized I “couldn’t do”. I went to bed earlier, slept longer and even took time to rest during the day. I made sure to not over schedule myself at work or home. I was vigilant about taking vitamins, eating regularly and eating healthy. I put my pregnancy at the top of my priority list – it took precedence over anything else – no exceptions.

And then like the flick of light switch my reason for taking care of myself disappeared. After the miscarriage I felt the need to return to “life as usual”. I was exhausted, drained and depressed, but still felt guilty if I cancelled any previously scheduled activities or appointments. This was an expectation I placed on myself, of course, but it’s a revealing one. Why was taking care of myself only a priority when I was pregnant? Why was my default mode taking care of everything else before myself?

I think many of us (including myself) struggle with putting our own care first. Taking care of ourselves before all the other “to dos” of life is often viewed as selfish. We focus on frantically trying to “get everything done for everyone else”, to the detriment of our own care. At the end of the day, we hope there’s time left over for ourselves, however, experience teaches us this is rarely the case. There is always something more to do and as our needs get pushed aside, the results take their toll.

Lack of self-care may leave you feeling

  • Stressed
  • Exhausted
  • Overwhelmed
  • Drained
  • Out of control (the “hamster wheel” effect)
  • Depressed
  • Resentful
  • Angry
  • Frustrated

On the flip side, putting your own care first allows you to

  • Give more freely of your time and energy
  • Experience gratitude
  • Feel healthier
  • Sleep better
  • Smile more often
  • Experience joy more fully for yourself and others
  • Feel good about yourself and the work you are doing for others
  • Live slower and experience life at a more relaxed and enjoyable pace

After 9 months of physical decluttering, I realized my schedule required a substantial decluttering as well – there needed to be enough time to care for myself, just as there was during those 8 weeks of pregnancy.

Here are some simple ways I started incorporating self-care into my daily routine:

Journal: I try to write at least 3 pages every morning. It’s the first thing I do after letting the dogs out and making the coffee. The inspiration came from Julia Cameron’s suggestion of “morning pages” in her book The Artist’s Way.

Take moments to be still: Sometimes I listen to a favorite piece of classical music, sometimes I listen to the silence. I’m also exploring two new meditation apps, Lucent and Calm.

Take a walk: Get outside. Enjoy the fresh air and beautiful sounds of nature. I especially love snapping pictures on my walks or quiet times outdoors.

Read a book: If you read a little each day, you can finally finish that book you’ve always wanted to read

Spend a little time doing an activity you enjoy or find relaxing: For me this is playing piano.  I take 10-15 minutes each morning and play – whatever pieces I choose.  What do you enjoy? What brings you peace and calm?

Turn off the noise: Take a day, an evening or portion of each day and shut off the TV and technology. I didn’t realize how “unrelaxed” these activities made me feel until I shut them off. It’s a powerful realization.

Eat 3 meals a day: This is my weakness – I usually forget to leave time for lunch and I always regret it.

Eat healthy: For me, less meat, dairy and sugar was key. More vegetables, more fruit, more whole grains and smaller portions.

Get enough sleep: This is essential – enough of it can keep the day running smoothly, not enough can throw things completely out of whack.

Create routines to start and end your day: This takes into account all of the above, it’s my routines that help me accomplish all of these simple, but some days not so “easy” things. The structure of routine “makes” me do it, even on the days I don’t really feel like it. Bottom line, I’ve never regretted sticking to my routine, rather I regret not following my routine. If you’re interested in developing a routine in a manageable way check out Courtney Carver’s microcourse Create a Meaningful Morning Routine.

I’ve concluded it is not selfish to take care of my own needs first. In fact, it’s beneficial to those around me when I care for myself first, because I’m a better wife, a better teacher and a better friend. Think of self-care like you think of budgeting – always pay yourself first, so you may freely give in other areas of your life.

 

I Even Purged the Waffle Maker

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Today my decluttering got so carried away I even purged the waffle maker. It took me a while to get there – 9 months to be exact. Previously, I would have never considered anything so rash. As a matter of fact my husband suggested (about 9 months ago) that we get rid of the waffle maker. My response? How could he even suggest such a blasphemous thing? It was if he’d suggested we sell everything and move to Antarctica. He thought it was cluttering up our pots and pans cupboard and recognized we hadn’t used it for the last 5 years. I was still in denial. I held onto idealistic dreams of waking up in the morning, putting on the coffee and then making waffles – like they do in the movies and TV shows, where everyone has all the time in the world to make waffles and all the space in the world to store waffle makers. My compromise was to store it in a different spot – a place up high in the cupboard, just for the waffle maker – a place of honor for this now unused, but “might be used someday in my dreams” appliance.

There was a time when both my husband and I wanted the waffle maker – when we both loved the waffle maker – or at least I loved the waffle maker. It was an item on our wedding registry over 10 years ago. I have fond memories of making waffles for the first 5 years of our marriage. I’m sure we made waffles every weekend or at least every other weekend – truthfully, maybe every other month – if we were lucky. After 5 years, however, waffle making seemed to go out of style. We became busier and didn’t have time to make waffles or maybe we just got tired of making waffles.   Now it’s been 5 years since the last waffle weekend – but still the waffle maker stays in our cupboard. Why not just get rid of the waffle maker? Those waffle making memories, be it few, were good ones – how could I throw away those memories? How could I get rid of a wedding gift? Could I come to terms with the fact that I might never make waffles again?

After several months of faithful decluttering it hit me like a lightening bolt. I realized no matter how much free time available in my days, I didn’t want to spend it making waffles. Waffle making doesn’t make the cut. There just isn’t going to be enough time in the day to live my dreams and make waffles – and making waffles is not my dream. It’s nothing personal against waffles or those who love making and waffles. It’s nothing personal against the person who purchased us our beloved waffle maker from our registry all those years ago. It simply means that our lives don’t include waffle making anymore – and that’s a completely logical reason to get rid of the waffle maker – even if it brought wonderful memories in the past and even if it was a gift. In the end, it’s just a waffle maker.

I ceremoniously got out the stepladder and reached high up in the cupboard to remove the cherished and neglected waffle maker and placed it in the Goodwill donation box. It’s a fine waffle maker – a Cuisinart – it would be a shame to continue and let such a fine waffle maker sit on a shelf collecting dust. Soon it will be in a new home making new waffle memories for a new waffle making family.

I don’t think I will have any regrets parting ways with our waffle maker. We had 5 good years together. If I wake up one morning feeling the urge to eat waffles, I’ll probably head to my favorite local breakfast spot and enjoy some waffles there. If I wake up one morning 10 years from now suddenly feeling the urge to make waffles, perhaps I’ll drive to my local department store and purchase another fine waffle maker. More likely though, I’ll be perfectly content making some delicious French toast in my regularly used frying pan – no waffle makers required.

Hold on Stuff

I hope this story made you laugh. It’s quite a bit of truth peppered with some humor intended to demonstrate how attached we often become to our things – even things as silly as waffle makers!

Perhaps your minimizing journey is not complete (like mine) or maybe your minimizing journey is just beginning. Wherever you are in the process, here are some questions and suggestions to help weed out your “waffle makers” along the way.

  • Are there items in your home that you insist on keeping, but never get used?
  • Why is it important to keep these items?
  • Do they hold memories of special times? If so, write down these memories, photograph the item and put it in a place of safe keeping, so you can view it again and recall those memories – then donate, sell or discard.
  • If items bring you joy, find a special place to display them in your home, so you can experience those joyful memories daily.
  • If items bring back unpleasant memories, why are you keeping them? Donate, sell or discard.
  • Do you plan to use items that are currently not used? When? If you don’t have a specific time or event in mind, perhaps you can donate or sell these items.
  • What if you get rid of something and then need it again? “If” you get rid of something and then “if” you really need it again – you will likely be able to repurchase the item and will be willing to do so if it’s important enough. More likely though, that “what if” scenario will never come. Consider selling or donating.
  • If you’re really struggling to let items go that you’re not using regularly – store them in a special bin, preferably out of sight in the basement or garage. Revisit the bin in 3-6 months. Donate or sell any items that you didn’t miss.

The above questions and suggestions will help you begin to intentionally think through why you are or aren’t keeping any given item. If you find yourself keeping something that you know you should probably let go, don’t beat yourself up – be gentle. Decluttering muscles continue to grow stronger as you keep using them. Give yourself 9 months and you might also ceremoniously remove that waffle maker from your home!

 

Tackling “The Busys”

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Tough Choices

I’ve been struggling this week – struggling with a schedule of many wonderful things, but perhaps too many things. Instead of writing the room-by-room decluttering series I intended to write, my brain is grappling with “the busys” – too many appointments, time commitments and “to-dos”. How do I prioritize? How do I choose? What do I eliminate? I’ve spent the last 9 months successfully decluttering my physical space and the last 3 months successfully transforming our monthly budget, but managing my time – this is the next big challenge – a challenge my readers will get to see unfold in “real time”, so to speak.

As I journey through this process, I want to share ideas that are providing me with the motivation and inspiration to forge ahead in a society that often rewards and encourages us to “do it all” and “have it all”. I’m fast learning to accept that I cannot “do it all” or “have it all”. I have to make choices – tough choices. Why is it worth it? These tough choices will lead to a better life. As Greg McKeown states in his book Essentialism, “Less but better” – that is my goal: to do less and allow what makes the cut to be better.

Below are two resources that I’ve found invaluable as I navigate budgeting my time. If you’re finding yourself overwhelmed by your own schedule and list of “to-dos” – take a look – they offer a new way of thinking and manageable suggestions to get started making your own life “Less but better”.

 

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown 

In all honesty, I’m still in the process of reading this book, but at only 63 pages in (of 246), I’m already thinking differently and learning how to identify and choose what is essential for me – it will also help you decide and choose what is essential for you.  As a minimalist, I give great thought when bringing in a hard copy book that will fill up space – this one has earned a well-deserved space on my bookshelf.

The Life Altering Practice of Making Cuts: by Courtney Carver of Be Less With More

This article helped make eliminating items from my schedule seem more manageable.  I’ve already eliminated one thing from half the categories listed.  Thinking about this process in bite size pieces is incredibly beneficial.  I’m already noticing the positive impact.  I can’t imagine how amazing the result might be after 3 months!

 

Removing the clutter from my schedule will no doubt be a challenge – in part because there are many things on my schedule I may not immediately consider clutter.  Nonetheless, there are only 24 hours in a day and in order to make things better, I must choose only the the most important items and cut the rest.  Despite the difficulties that will lie ahead in this process,  I’m actually proceeding with a sense of optimism – not because it will be easy,  but because I know the results will be as gratifying and rewarding as those I received after clearing away the physical clutter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snow Day Thoughts on Minimalism, Gratitude and Contentment

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“Minimalism isn’t about bare walls and empty shelves – it’s about a full heart that comes from recognizing and appreciating what you already have.”    – Melissa Willis

 

Today is a snow day in Indiana. I love that snow days allow me to slow down and take time to “bask in laziness”. I’m also thankful for a job that allows me that luxury – I know many who must fight the weather to get to jobs that don’t stop with the snow.

Unlike many who loathe the snow this time of year, I savor it and soak it in. I took some time late this morning to take a walk through the property we live on and snap pictures of all the beauty surrounding us. This is the first winter snow walk I’ve had since I began my minimalist journey 9 months ago – as I looked back on our home and took a picture of it through the blankets of snow I was overcome with an incredible and overwhelming sense of gratefulness and gratitude for the opportunity to live in this amazing home and on this amazing property. It was an incredibly warm feeling as I stood out in the cold – but this wasn’t always case.

A job change almost 5 years ago now, forced my husband and I to sell our home and relocate. Our intent was to purchase another home, but with the downturn in the housing market we weren’t able to rebuy. I remember how disappointed I was – owning a home was part of fulfilling the “American dream” – you’d “arrived” if you owned your own home. Now we had left that dream behind and had to rent again – it seemed like a slap in the face. I tried not to fixate on what felt like a step backwards – but the reality was I didn’t want to rent, I wanted to won our own home – that’s how I thought things were supposed to be. I wasted many hours worrying and thinking about “what if” or “if only”. I had a list in my head of things that “weren’t right” about our new living space – it didn’t have the large teaching space I left behind, the rooms were too small, the green carpet was ugly, the basement was unfinished, the closets were too small, the wallpaper was dated – you get the idea. In my quest for more, for better, for perfection, I failed to appreciate all the wonderful things about our home – the unfinished basement provided storage and a laundry room, 3 bedrooms allowed me to have a teaching space (albeit smaller), there was clean running water, a furnace and fireplace to keep us warm in the winter and AC to keep us cool in the summer, and breathtaking views of the property from our “wall of windows”. For years I missed the real magnitude of all this wonderfulness by focusing on how I thought things “should be”, instead of accepting and appreciating things as they were.

Interestingly, it used to be my dream to live in a cozy log cabin in the mountains – and suddenly here was this cozy, log cabin style home in the woods available for us. Sadly, my pursuit of bigger, better and more failed to allow me to see that the fruition of this dream had fallen right in my lap. My dream was all around me, just disguised in a bit of quirkiness on some property in a state I surely never dreamed of living in. I’m glad that the past several months of clearing away the clutter has opened my eyes and helped me recognize that I’m smack in the middle of living my dream – in an imperfect, cozy, quirky home in the woods with ugly green carpet and dated wallpaper. I couldn’t be happier or more content.

Are you in the middle of living your dream? Are your dreams covered in the clutter of overstuffed closets, drawers, basements and garages? Wherever you are today, take a moment and look around you – what can you appreciate, what can you feel grateful for? If you feel the pursuit of a more “perfect” life or a life of how you think things “should be” is preventing you from appreciating all that’s right in front of you – I encourage to clear out those overstuffed spaces – you might be surprised by what amazing things are revealed underneath.

5 Hints to Avoid Hurrying

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“To get all there is out of living, we must employ our time wisely, never being in too much of a hurry to stop and sip life, but never losing our sense of the enormous value of a minute.”   – Robert Updegraff

 

My life is busy – not in a bad way, but my days are usually full of any number of activities and tasks. The challenge, for me, and possibly for you, is completing the day’s activities without hurry. Hurrying breeds agitation, anxiousness, impatience and exhaustion. Hurry takes away the joy. Below are a few ways I keep calm on busy days.

Get rid of the clutter. The definition of clutter is different for everyone. We have lots of pictures on our walls – some might say our walls look cluttered, but for me, they make the house feel warm and cozy. My definition of clutter is anything that clogs up your space and prevents a feeling of peace or calm. For me, that translates to overstuffed closets and drawers, cluttered countertops and endless piles of papers. For years I would clean and tidy up the house before getting started on the day’s tasks. As a result, I spent most of my time cleaning and had to rush through the activities where I’d hoped to spend the most time. Without the clutter, I get started on my daily tasks right away and there’s no need for hurrying. If you’re feeling hurried often, start by eliminating some clutter each day. Decluttering may help many other things more easily fall into place.

Create breathing space between activities. Just as it’s helpful to create open space in your physical surroundings, it’s also beneficial to create open space in your schedule. Once a task is complete, take 5 minutes to sit, rest and take a breath. Savor the moment! Look out the window and take in a bit of nature, walk outside and breathe in the fresh air, enjoy a cup of tea, meditate, stretch or listen to music. Once you’ve had a chance to breathe, then ease into the next task on your list – without hurry.

Be mindful of hurried feelings. Be aware when you do hurry and make a choice to step back and reassess. On a recent trip to Target I had one of those moments to “reassess”. I was anxious to check out and return home, but only two lanes were open and everyone in line had numerous items. I found myself getting annoyed that the cashier was so chatty, surely this was slowing things up and then I heard a “yes” to the “would you like to open a Target card and save 5%”. At that point I felt my blood pressure rising and impatience growing – then I told myself to stop, take a breath and reevaluate. What seemed like an extra 30 minutes of waiting, was maybe 5 minutes – the cashier was simply being friendly and the woman ahead of me was not attempting to “slow me up”. The second I recognized this, my patience returned and I felt calmer. As I continued to wait, I scanned the covers of all the magazines next to me and came up with another blog post idea. It was a win-win! After everything was completed the woman turned to me and said “I’m sorry if I held you up”. I kindly replied that it is was no problem. This response felt so much better than the impatience and hurry I had felt just a few moments earlier. I left the store with a smile. When you’re feeling rushed, reassess, not only is it kinder to you, but also to others.

Prioritize and limit your daily “To-Do” list”. I could fill an entire notebook of things I hope to accomplish in life, but I constantly remind myself I can’t accomplish everything in one day. I limit my daily “to-do” list by prioritizing what must be completed that day. Those items are written on the list first. If there’s still space left, I may add a few other odds and ends I’d like to finish, but will move them to the next day if needed. Resist the urge to accomplish everything in a short amount of time. Prioritize and do a few items each day to prevent rushing through tasks. You will get more done, do better work and be calmer.

Seek out joy in the process. The winters are cold where I live, as in below zero cold on some days. Regardless of the temperatures, I still need to bundle up and take our dogs outside. As they leisurely wander around smelling every inch of cold, hard snow, I find myself becoming the “hurrier”. “Come on, hurry up, it’s cold!” The more I hurry others (even the dogs), the more agitated and anxious I become. Just a few mornings ago I was about to take on my “hurrier” role, when I was distracted by a new bird sound. I looked up to see a red headed woodpecker high in a tree. Now instead of hurrying the dogs along, I was enjoying this beautiful piece of nature – even on a frigid morning. While I’m not suggesting everyone needs to embrace sub-zero temperatures, it is beneficial to seek out or create something positive in any given task. When I write, I write with pens I love – even when writing bills or working on the budget. Whatever you do, find a small piece of joy or beauty in it and you will enjoy the process and lessen the need to hurry yourself or others through.

As I stated in the opening, my life is busy. I’ve learned, however, if I can prevent hurrying the day’s activities along, I can stay calm and feel a sense of fullness at the end of the day, rather than of overwhelming exhaustion. My hope is that some these suggestions may help you discover more calm and joyful moments, even on busy days.

If I Can, You Can Too: A Shopper’s Unexpected Journey into Minimalism

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I didn’t set out to become a minimalist. After all minimalists live in cold living spaces with white bare walls and they never shop. This wasn’t me. I’ve spent the majority of my life happily shopping and accumulating all sorts of things. I bought bins and baskets to attractively organize all my things. There was always something to organize and always something to buy – and I was of the belief that “these somethings” would be sure to make my life better, simpler and happier or make me prettier, thinner, younger-looking.

I’ve learned on my journey however, minimalism isn’t about bare walls and never setting foot in a store, it’s about eliminating the unnecessary to leave room for the more important things of life – which are rarely things.

How did my minimizing journey begin? I began dabbling in “simplifying” and “budgeting” in 2010.  I read several books on simplifying life, creating a budget, but I had limited success implementing the suggestions – probably because I was busy accumulating things in effort to make my life “better”, not realizing this was the source of the problem.

In June of 2014, I attended a music workshop in Washington DC – it was a workshop I’d wanted to attend since 2006, but circumstances never seemed quite right. This past June I took the plunge, doing whatever needed to attend. I was full of excitement and anticipation until the actual day grew closer. I became riddled with nerves. I didn’t know anyone else attending. On my own, I would have to navigate a 60-90 minute train ride on DC public transit. I felt like I was going to summer camp or college for the first time. In the end I conquered my fears and left with a new sense of confidence and purpose I’d not experienced before.

Why was DC the light bulb moment? I’m not sure – perhaps it was the many long train rides in solitude for reflection, perhaps it was the opportunity for an intensive week of professional development, perhaps it was our incredibly inspirational instructor and the brilliantly streamlined and engaging materials she created to teach music theory. I do know there exists, for me, a distinct line between life before and after this workshop. The idea of streamlined teaching and needing less to teach more gradually overflowed into all other areas of my life. I didn’t need everything, I only needed what was essential, what was important and did the job of teaching well what I needed to teach – and that became and continues to take the form of less and less “stuff” in all areas of my life.  Below are just a few steps to start getting stuff out of the house and to prevent accumulating more in its place.

1. Start with the “easy stuff”: Once I came to the realization that I really didn’t “need” all the stuff surrounding me, I starting piling up things that could be recycled, donated or as a last resort, put in the trash.   I didn’t start with items that were valuable or held a sentimental attachment, but items that I would describe as “inconsequential” or “easy” items – things I had no particular attachment to and/or items I didn’t use   Each time I walked through a room I would try and find something that I could donate.  I kept a Goodwill box in our spare room and would fill it up once or twice a week and then run it to our local Goodwill.  I enjoyed the challenge of trying to fill up that box every week – and the breathing space and freedom I felt each time I dropped off that box.  The space created by getting the “easy” things out created an unexpected high, which encouraged more decluttering.  Eventually I was able to part with items I previously thought were things I “had to keep”.

2. Create a spending moratorium: Where could you eliminate spending for a week or a month? Clothing? Home Decor? Books? My first moratorium was spending money on “bargains” at Goodwill – I went there only to donate items and forced myself to leave after that task was complete.  I had a closet full of clothes, so that was another easy category to eliminate.  Of course clothes were a weakness of mine, so it also meant staying out of the clothing section at Target and not going anywhere near a Kohls!  I fell of the wagon a few times with Target and Kohls, but I’m happy to say the only thing I’ve purchased at Goodwill since June 2014 are pieces for a Halloween costume.  Several months later, I don’t even think about going inside Goodwill to shop.  I even put a temporary moratorium on buying piano music for my music studio.  I had a studio full of music, much like I had a closet full of clothes – surely I could survive with what I already owned.  The end result of these moratoriums was less money spent, more money saved and money spent was more intentional.

3. One in, two out: This is a bold statement, but we had SO much stuff that I felt if we brought one new thing into the house, we needed to part with at least two things, if not three, to stay ahead in this decluttering process.  Early in this journey, my husband and I attended a fundraiser rummage sale.  This could have been a disaster waiting to happen – accumulating more things, for a bargain price and to benefit a scholarship fund – the rationalizations for buying whatever we wanted were endless! We did make several purchases, but we sent out three things for every one we purchased that day.  It kept our purchases in check and I’m happy to say all the items we purchased that day our still with us even after all the stuff that’s left our home.

4. Create a wish list: I realized soon into this process that I had a fear of missing out on something.  I often thought, “if I don’t buy it now, I’ll forget about this great thing” or “what if I need it someday and then I can’t find one to buy”.  My solution was to create a wish list for these kinds of items.  Many of these were music or teaching related, but some were books, clothing, etc.   The wish list released my mind from worries about “not buying” something, which saved money, reduced accumulation and and made any future purchases more intentional.

5. Shop for need, not recreation: Shopping used to be my hobby and a coping mechanism to deal with stress.  I’d shop to relax, although at this point I don’t think it relaxed me at all – I merely had that impression.  I quickly realized shopping as recreation offered very little in return and if it did offer a sense of happiness, it was a very short-lived joy.  I now shop for needs – groceries, toiletries, pet food, etc.  As a result, I shop less and accumulate less.  This offers up more free time to focus on things of more importance and frees up money to save for things of more importance.  In the beginning, however, I had to find something to fill the space when my habit to “go shopping” would appear.  I would have to consciously choose to read a book, play piano, bake cookies, play with the dogs.  If I didn’t have more constructive options to fill that space, I would have undoubtedly ended up wandering the aisles of Kohls, Target or Goodwill!

The exact reasons I decided to wholeheartedly start the decluttering process are bit unclear,  but the results I’ve experienced from minimizing are the reasons I continue.  Now that I spend less time shopping, organizing and reorganizing, I have more time to rest and reflect, more time to relax, more time to breathe, more time for joy, more time for hobbies, more time for family and friends – more time for life.  Minimizing has finally allowed me to get off the harried hamster wheel – at least most days. I can’t imagine ever choosing to get back on that wheel and I can’t imagine that I ever will.  My hope is that these suggestions will also help you discover how choosing to have “less stuff” can truly offer a life of “more joy” and “less hurry”.