An Unexpected Lesson in Self Care

Sometimes important life lessons come from unexpected events…

This past fall, I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. Despite the obvious grief and sadness that came with this event, there were many things I learned that helped propel me forward in the weeks and months following.

I was pregnant only 8 weeks before I knew I would eventually miscarry. However, during those short 8 weeks, I took better care of myself than I had at any other time in my life. I put my own care first, because that was the only way to put the care of the little life growing inside of me first. Our lives were intertwined. I had to take care of myself to take care of this newly forming life and so I did – no questions asked. Suddenly I justified changes I otherwise neglected, put off to another day or rationalized I “couldn’t do”. I went to bed earlier, slept longer and even took time to rest during the day. I made sure to not over schedule myself at work or home. I was vigilant about taking vitamins, eating regularly and eating healthy. I put my pregnancy at the top of my priority list – it took precedence over anything else – no exceptions.

And then like the flick of light switch my reason for taking care of myself disappeared. After the miscarriage I felt the need to return to “life as usual”. I was exhausted, drained and depressed, but still felt guilty if I cancelled any previously scheduled activities or appointments. This was an expectation I placed on myself, of course, but it’s a revealing one. Why was taking care of myself only a priority when I was pregnant? Why was my default mode taking care of everything else before myself?

I think many of us (including myself) struggle with putting our own care first. Taking care of ourselves before all the other “to dos” of life is often viewed as selfish. We focus on frantically trying to “get everything done for everyone else”, to the detriment of our own care. At the end of the day, we hope there’s time left over for ourselves, however, experience teaches us this is rarely the case. There is always something more to do and as our needs get pushed aside, the results take their toll.

Lack of self-care may leave you feeling

• Stressed
• Exhausted
• Overwhelmed
• Drained
• Out of control (the “hamster wheel” effect)
• Depressed
• Resentful
• Angry
• Frustrated

On the flip side, putting your own care first allows you to

• Give more freely of your time and energy
• Experience gratitude
• Feel healthier
• Sleep better
• Smile more often
• Experience joy more fully for yourself and others
• Feel good about yourself and the work you are doing for others
• Live slower and experience life at a more relaxed and enjoyable pace

After 9 months of physical decluttering, I realized my schedule required a substantial decluttering as well – there needed to be enough time to care for myself, just as there was during those 8 weeks of pregnancy.

Here are some simple ways I started incorporating self-care into my daily routine:

Journal: I try to write at least 3 pages every morning. It’s the first thing I do after letting the dogs out and making the coffee. The inspiration came from Julia Cameron’s suggestion of “morning pages” in her book The Artist’s Way.

Take moments to be still: Sometimes I listen to a favorite piece of classical music, sometimes I listen to the silence. I’m also exploring two new meditation apps, Lucent and Calm.

Take a walk: Get outside. Enjoy the fresh air and beautiful sounds of nature. I especially love snapping pictures on my walks or quiet times outdoors.

Read a book: If you read a little each day, you can finally finish that book you’ve always wanted to read

Spend a little time doing an activity you enjoy or find relaxing: For me this is playing piano.  I take 10-15 minutes each morning and play – whatever pieces I choose.  What do you enjoy? What brings you peace and calm?

Turn off the noise: Take a day, an evening or portion of each day and shut off the TV and technology. I didn’t realize how “unrelaxed” these activities made me feel until I shut them off. It’s a powerful realization.

Eat 3 meals a day: This is my weakness – I usually forget to leave time for lunch and I always regret it.

Eat healthy: For me, less meat, dairy and sugar was key. More vegetables, more fruit, more whole grains and smaller portions.

Get enough sleep: This is essential – enough of it can keep the day running smoothly, not enough can throw things completely out of whack.

Create routines to start and end your day: This takes into account all of the above, it’s my routines that help me accomplish all of these simple, but some days not so “easy” things. The structure of routine “makes” me do it, even on the days I don’t really feel like it. Bottom line, I’ve never regretted sticking to my routine, rather I regret not following my routine. If you’re interested in developing a routine in a manageable way check out Courtney Carver’s microcourse Create a Meaningful Morning Routine.

I’ve concluded it is not selfish to take care of my own needs first. In fact, it’s beneficial to those around me when I care for myself first, because I’m a better wife, a better teacher and a better friend. Think of self-care like you think of budgeting – always pay yourself first, so you may freely give in other areas of your life.