Sometimes important life lessons come from unexpected events…

This past fall, I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. Despite the obvious grief and sadness that came with this event, there were many things I learned that helped propel me forward in the weeks and months following.

I was pregnant only 8 weeks before I knew I would eventually miscarry. However, during those short 8 weeks, I took better care of myself than I had at any other time in my life. I put my own care first, because that was the only way to put the care of the little life growing inside of me first. Our lives were intertwined. I had to take care of myself to take care of this newly forming life and so I did – no questions asked. Suddenly I justified changes I otherwise neglected, put off to another day or rationalized I “couldn’t do”. I went to bed earlier, slept longer and even took time to rest during the day. I made sure to not over schedule myself at work or home. I was vigilant about taking vitamins, eating regularly and eating healthy. I put my pregnancy at the top of my priority list – it took precedence over anything else – no exceptions.

And then like the flick of light switch my reason for taking care of myself disappeared. After the miscarriage I felt the need to return to “life as usual”. I was exhausted, drained and depressed, but still felt guilty if I cancelled any previously scheduled activities or appointments. This was an expectation I placed on myself, of course, but it’s a revealing one. Why was taking care of myself only a priority when I was pregnant? Why was my default mode taking care of everything else before myself?

I think many of us (including myself) struggle with putting our own care first. Taking care of ourselves before all the other “to dos” of life is often viewed as selfish. We focus on frantically trying to “get everything done for everyone else”, to the detriment of our own care. At the end of the day, we hope there’s time left over for ourselves, however, experience teaches us this is rarely the case. There is always something more to do and as our needs get pushed aside, the results take their toll.

Lack of self-care may leave you feeling

• Stressed
• Exhausted
• Overwhelmed
• Drained
• Out of control (the “hamster wheel” effect)
• Depressed
• Resentful
• Angry
• Frustrated

On the flip side, putting your own care first allows you to

• Give more freely of your time and energy
• Experience gratitude
• Feel healthier
• Sleep better
• Smile more often
• Experience joy more fully for yourself and others
• Feel good about yourself and the work you are doing for others
• Live slower and experience life at a more relaxed and enjoyable pace

After 9 months of physical decluttering, I realized my schedule required a substantial decluttering as well – there needed to be enough time to care for myself, just as there was during those 8 weeks of pregnancy.

Here are some simple ways I started incorporating self-care into my daily routine:

Journal: I try to write at least 3 pages every morning. It’s the first thing I do after letting the dogs out and making the coffee. The inspiration came from Julia Cameron’s suggestion of “morning pages” in her book The Artist’s Way.

Take moments to be still: Sometimes I listen to a favorite piece of classical music, sometimes I listen to the silence. I’m also exploring two new meditation apps, Lucent and Calm.

Take a walk: Get outside. Enjoy the fresh air and beautiful sounds of nature. I especially love snapping pictures on my walks or quiet times outdoors.

Read a book: If you read a little each day, you can finally finish that book you’ve always wanted to read

Spend a little time doing an activity you enjoy or find relaxing: For me this is playing piano.  I take 10-15 minutes each morning and play – whatever pieces I choose.  What do you enjoy? What brings you peace and calm?

Turn off the noise: Take a day, an evening or portion of each day and shut off the TV and technology. I didn’t realize how “unrelaxed” these activities made me feel until I shut them off. It’s a powerful realization.

Eat 3 meals a day: This is my weakness – I usually forget to leave time for lunch and I always regret it.

Eat healthy: For me, less meat, dairy and sugar was key. More vegetables, more fruit, more whole grains and smaller portions.

Get enough sleep: This is essential – enough of it can keep the day running smoothly, not enough can throw things completely out of whack.

Create routines to start and end your day: This takes into account all of the above, it’s my routines that help me accomplish all of these simple, but some days not so “easy” things. The structure of routine “makes” me do it, even on the days I don’t really feel like it. Bottom line, I’ve never regretted sticking to my routine, rather I regret not following my routine. If you’re interested in developing a routine in a manageable way check out Courtney Carver’s microcourse Create a Meaningful Morning Routine.

I’ve concluded it is not selfish to take care of my own needs first. In fact, it’s beneficial to those around me when I care for myself first, because I’m a better wife, a better teacher and a better friend. Think of self-care like you think of budgeting – always pay yourself first, so you may freely give in other areas of your life.

 

 

“To get all there is out of living, we must employ our time wisely, never being in too much of a hurry to stop and sip life, but never losing our sense of the enormous value of a minute.”   – Robert Updegraff

 

My life is busy – not in a bad way, but my days are usually full of any number of activities and tasks. The challenge, for me, and possibly for you, is completing the day’s activities without hurry. Hurrying breeds agitation, anxiousness, impatience and exhaustion. Hurry takes away the joy. Below are a few ways I keep calm on busy days.

Get rid of the clutter. The definition of clutter is different for everyone. We have lots of pictures on our walls – some might say our walls look cluttered, but for me, they make the house feel warm and cozy. My definition of clutter is anything that clogs up your space and prevents a feeling of peace or calm. For me, that translates to overstuffed closets and drawers, cluttered countertops and endless piles of papers. For years I would clean and tidy up the house before getting started on the day’s tasks. As a result, I spent most of my time cleaning and had to rush through the activities where I’d hoped to spend the most time. Without the clutter, I get started on my daily tasks right away and there’s no need for hurrying. If you’re feeling hurried often, start by eliminating some clutter each day. Decluttering may help many other things more easily fall into place.

Create breathing space between activities. Just as it’s helpful to create open space in your physical surroundings, it’s also beneficial to create open space in your schedule. Once a task is complete, take 5 minutes to sit, rest and take a breath. Savor the moment! Look out the window and take in a bit of nature, walk outside and breathe in the fresh air, enjoy a cup of tea, meditate, stretch or listen to music. Once you’ve had a chance to breathe, then ease into the next task on your list – without hurry.

Be mindful of hurried feelings. Be aware when you do hurry and make a choice to step back and reassess. On a recent trip to Target I had one of those moments to “reassess”. I was anxious to check out and return home, but only two lanes were open and everyone in line had numerous items. I found myself getting annoyed that the cashier was so chatty, surely this was slowing things up and then I heard a “yes” to the “would you like to open a Target card and save 5%”. At that point I felt my blood pressure rising and impatience growing – then I told myself to stop, take a breath and reevaluate. What seemed like an extra 30 minutes of waiting, was maybe 5 minutes – the cashier was simply being friendly and the woman ahead of me was not attempting to “slow me up”. The second I recognized this, my patience returned and I felt calmer. As I continued to wait, I scanned the covers of all the magazines next to me and came up with another blog post idea. It was a win-win! After everything was completed the woman turned to me and said “I’m sorry if I held you up”. I kindly replied that it is was no problem. This response felt so much better than the impatience and hurry I had felt just a few moments earlier. I left the store with a smile. When you’re feeling rushed, reassess, not only is it kinder to you, but also to others.

Prioritize and limit your daily “To-Do” list”. I could fill an entire notebook of things I hope to accomplish in life, but I constantly remind myself I can’t accomplish everything in one day. I limit my daily “to-do” list by prioritizing what must be completed that day. Those items are written on the list first. If there’s still space left, I may add a few other odds and ends I’d like to finish, but will move them to the next day if needed. Resist the urge to accomplish everything in a short amount of time. Prioritize and do a few items each day to prevent rushing through tasks. You will get more done, do better work and be calmer.

Seek out joy in the process. The winters are cold where I live, as in below zero cold on some days. Regardless of the temperatures, I still need to bundle up and take our dogs outside. As they leisurely wander around smelling every inch of cold, hard snow, I find myself becoming the “hurrier”. “Come on, hurry up, it’s cold!” The more I hurry others (even the dogs), the more agitated and anxious I become. Just a few mornings ago I was about to take on my “hurrier” role, when I was distracted by a new bird sound. I looked up to see a red headed woodpecker high in a tree. Now instead of hurrying the dogs along, I was enjoying this beautiful piece of nature – even on a frigid morning. While I’m not suggesting everyone needs to embrace sub-zero temperatures, it is beneficial to seek out or create something positive in any given task. When I write, I write with pens I love – even when writing bills or working on the budget. Whatever you do, find a small piece of joy or beauty in it and you will enjoy the process and lessen the need to hurry yourself or others through.

As I stated in the opening, my life is busy. I’ve learned, however, if I can prevent hurrying the day’s activities along, I can stay calm and feel a sense of fullness at the end of the day, rather than of overwhelming exhaustion. My hope is that some these suggestions may help you discover more calm and joyful moments, even on busy days.